For Your Viewing Pleasure...

So here it is! My FRER from yesterday and my Digital from today! It's official, I'm pregnant!!! I'll be phoning the Dr. tomorrow to set up my initial appointment to get my blood drawn and my numbers determined. After two losses, it feels so good to have something growing inside me again. This pregnancy has definitely started out a lot different than the last one. I've had small bouts of nausea, not too much, I've been super tired (same as last time), heartburn (but not as bad), the need to pee (like a racehorse at an iced tea convention), and some light cramping. Aunt Flow is due Tuesday so I'm praying and praying that she keeps her ugly head away for the next 9 months. I've only told my Husband and my dear friend Alyssa who's currently due in December. I feel that this little bean is finally my chance to be a mommy. I had the craziest dream last night about breast feeding twins...I won't go into it but it had something to do with going to the Dr. and complaining I felt weird sensations or whatever. Anyway...

I'm supposed to be cleaning today but I'm soooo tired. I will do a little bit but mainly focus on getting it done tomorrow. My little brother Austin is here to help me. Part of the reason it's difficult for me is because I'm so tired and my Husband is here scrutinizing everything. Sheesh. Anyway, I'm gonna get going, just wanted to share my photos of those big beautiful BFPs. (:

Dear Baby Hiding Inside Me...

I barely notice you're there. Sometimes you give me small signs like heart burn, headaches, nausea, aches, and an overwhelming fatigue. No one but me and your Daddy know you exist and we're praying you stick around until we can meet you face to face. My little bean, know that I have so many hopes and dreams for you. Know that I'm not allowing my self to be tainted from your sister's loss and that this journey is a new trek. I will keep you existence to myself for now and slowly gain the confidence to share with others. I am a little afraid that you're not meant to be but the urge to accept that you are is more powerful. My little one, I can't wait to see your little heart flicker and your little self. I love you even though I don't know you yet.

Love,
Your Mommy

Isn't G-D Amazing?

*Warning* I am a christian, and I do, from time to time, speak about G-D. Just wanted to get that out there so there wasn't any surprises. :)

So, last night my Husband and I had a fight. We don't have them often, but when we do (we're both really stubborn) it can be very loud with lots of tears. He usually storms out and drives off while I dramatically pack an over-night bag. Then, I call him or he calls me, he's angry, I'm crying, he comes home, we talk, we kiss, we snuggle. Most of the tension has been from my unchecked feelings towards my miscarriage. Part of me started realizing that maybe I wanted to try so soon after losing Abby was because I didn't want to deal with the pain of losing her was causing. Anyway, after the car break-in and theft, I knew I needed to figure out how to pay to replace the things that were stolen, mainly my books for school. I was supposed to go on a spiritual retreat this weekend but the cost just made it seem impossible (after the car break-in) and I emailed my friend Andrea (the coordinator of it from church) and told her the situation. I went all day yesterday without hearing from her. Then this morning, I got an email back. "April, don't worry about it, come!!!!" So, I remained unsure how my Husband would feel and went about my morning routine, let the dog out, feed the cats, pee...wait, I should pee in a cup. lol. So, with the morning urine I caught, I used one of my little internet HPT and I couldn't believe it! I got a faint BFP. I saw it as it was coming up so I know it isn't an EVAP line. I'm not going to get too excited, but I just thought, G-D is so amazing! I woke my Hubby up at around 6:30 and said, "there's a line"! He grunted and was like, "why are you taking another one? The blood test was negative". Then I explained that I probably hadn't had implantation yet and that it doesn't measure hCG at small levels, just gives you a positive or negative. He then laid his head on my belly and I said, "gimme a kiss". He did a kiss in the air and I said, "up here silly, on my lips" and he said, "if you are pregnant, I want to spend as much time with my child as I can". (:

I then told him about what Andrea said about the retreat. At first he was like, you're going to roll up in a new car and plead poor.  He then stopped when I told him I explained the situation to Andrea and he then said he'd put gas in the car and I promised I'd clean and do laundry before I left. I need this weekend so much. I know that if I can focus a couple days on G-D, Abby, and myself, I can go home refreshed and ready to take on the world. When I come home I'll take another test. AF (period) is due on Tuesday so, here's to praying she stays away for 9 months. I feel so much better today and I have some motivation.

I Can't Even Believe It!!!!!

This day just keeps getting worse...yesterday I started having these pains in my vagina...(TMI Alert!!!) It was like a pulling and pulsing sensation. It definitely didn't feel good...it was quite painful. I even had a bit of pelvic pain similar to the vaginal pain, and still have not got an answer. It stopped last night and hasn't been back, thank goodness. However, I went to the student health center just to get looked at and all the Dr. did was send me for a blood test (pregnancy serum). It came back negative. I was devastated and texted my hubby telling him I give up, no more trying for me. He was really upset and called me and I just shrugged it off.

To make matters worse, the car (our new one!) got broken into last night. After he got home, we drove to Kohl's. On our way I started looking for my Ipod cable so I could listen to some music to cheer myself up. When I couldn't find it I asked him if he had removed it from the car, of course he said no. So then I thought maybe I had brought it inside last night. Anyway, once we were done at Kohl's, we popped the hatch to put our bag in the back, and my backpack, book, and the dog's car harness were missing. I freaked. I never have felt as violated as I did in that moment. Soon we discovered they had taken the little folder with the insurance card and temp. registration in it from the visor. When we got home, I called the police and an officer came. She took down some information and dusted for prints. She was able to pull some (that hopefully were not ours) and we're keeping our fingers crossed that she gets a database hit. Our neighborhood is so quiet and nothing EVER happens here. That's why we moved here. I'm still pissed they stole my backpack...it had my notebook with my notes for classes, my folder with my class information, 2 of my books, my ID, my transit pass, ect. This day has definitely not been my best, but I think it's mind over matter from now on. If I keep the perspective that whoever took my stuff needed it more greatly than I did, I think I'll manage. Sy is really mad he has to replace all of my things. I'm upset too, but secretly I'm kind of excited I get to get a new book bag...there's been one that I've been oggling for a month...just never got it because he'd get upset for buying something I didn't need. I hope they can't do anything with my student ID...that's what I'm mostly worried about, but I'll let the University know tomorrow the situation. This week has just been so shitty. Ugh...

So Here I Am...

I have a paper due today...well, the draft, and I haven't even started on it. :\ I'm a pretty good writer and I can bang it out no problem, I just lack the motivation. I don't know what's with me lately...ever since the miscarriage I feel blah. I don't know if it's necessarily depression, I get up and stuff I just can't seem to get started on anything. Part of me feels like I'm stuck in a rut and that being pregnant again will give my life purpose. I know I'm a good student, I have a 3.85 GPA and a 4.5 GPA in my major. I'm really struggling and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I was given the name and number of someone who runs a miscarriage support group at the hospital...I'm starting to think maybe I should look into it. Maybe going to student health and getting a few counseling sessions under my belt my help too. It's hard to talk to my Husband about these things because I know that he doesn't understand completely. Then I worry about him because he's been so tired and hasn't been feeling well at all lately. He had mono in the past and it really affected him and I know it never goes away. I want him to go to the Dr. but he is fighting it. Our house is a disaster because it doesn't seem like we have time to do anything about it when in reality I just lack the motivation to do anything about it. I want to take a semester off from school. If I tell my Husband this, he'll freak out. I have student loans but as long as I'm back in school full-time before my 6 month period is up, I should be fine. I don't really know what to do or what to say and it's frustrating. I'm not complaining I'm just concerned because I really just don't care about anything anymore besides getting pregnant and having a baby. Maybe I'm just meant to figure this out alone, it just sucks so much. I digress.

Happy Birthday and Good Morning!

So, I woke up at my usual 6:30 AM. I can't believe it's already the 2nd! Today I am officially 26...more than half-way to 30. lol. Today is my friend Lauren's wedding. We weren't going to go at first, but then I decided I should make a go of it because she was there at mine. Don't know yet if we'll stay for the reception, but I don't have to decide that now. She said that there are empty spots at tables and it's a buffet, so no worries. That's how I did mine and it worked out really well.

So, I put my 2nd high in this morning and bam! It said I O'd. Only, it said I was 5 DPO (days past ovulation) and I O'd on CD 18. That's actually closer to my real cycle (this is first post miscarriage) and I figured CD 21 was really really delayed. Not really sure what's going on, but I guess we'll see, right? Anyway, just wanted to give a little update. I'm really tired but all I could think about was the new car (nice change of pace from only focusing on a baby). Anyway guys, thanks for reading!

HeartBurn Like a Mother Trucker!

Hey guys, sorry I missed blogging yesterday...we were supposed to get the car yesterday but it didn't happen. The dealership said that they left late to go to Sierra Vista to pick it up (3 hours from Phoenix) and he didn't get back until this morning. However, I picked it up and it's so beautiful and I love it so much!!! lol. Anyway...

Took my furbaby Patrick to the vet today. He's got a bacterial infection and the poor little guy was just getting worse and worse. Luckily it only cost us $97 and we got his antibiotics and some canned food that will not upset his little tummy...he's such a trooper! I also had to pick my Mom up from this surgical center because she was getting an epidural blocker for her back (herniated discs). It was a long wait but I met this woman with her adorable little 2 month old daughter. .. Needless to say, I did not ask to hold the baby because I knew it would kill me inside to hold what I haven't been able to have. I did have a great conversation with Amy and we chatted for 45 minutes. It was nice to talk to someone and know that that will be me one day (soon I hope!).

Let's see...what else...so I got my temp. high today! Thank goodness....so that means I officially O'ed on CD 21 and we'll see from there. I made love to my Husband yesterday and we'll do it again tonight just for good measure. (; I have the worst freakin' heartburn in the world though...when I was pregnant with our little one that I just m/c I had the same symptom...in fact, it was my first. I think it's obviously way too early to tell or for symptoms, but who knows. I've been real irritable as well so maybe it's just a diet thing and lack of sleep. Anyway, gonna go lay down, hope everyone is doing well!