February seems to hold a lot of meaning for me since last year. I was married on the 27th and was supposed to be due to deliver my 1st dear baby girl on (EDD) the 25th. It seems so surreal that while I should be so excited and happy for not only my healthy pregnancy that's due in June, but also for my 1 year anniversary to the love of my life and Father to my babies. We buried Abigail in August and we visit her grave sometimes. She's buried on a hill in a Catholic cemetery that is specifically used for the unborn who were lost in utero. On the top of the hill, there's a beautiful alabaster stone statue of the Holy Family. At the time, I remember saying to myself how unfair it was that the statue depicts a complete family and my Husband and I had to leave the burial childless and incomplete. I know better now, but it was hard and bitter and I was ashamed that I had felt that way. Now I'm pregnant with Eliza and I am so excited to soon meet my little shaker and mover. She seems to have found a more comfortable place to rest right beneath my belly button. At least my bladder gets a small break from her dance moves.
I was with my friend Gretchen yesterday: we had gone to the mall and were shopping. We spent time together because it was her birthday and we went into all of the expensive baby boutiques that sell all of the overly priced baby clothes that I love. I didn't end up buying anything, but rather walked around kind of there but not really. We even went into Barney's and I was telling Gretchen about how I had seen that Barney's sold Baby Juicy Couture, but before I could finish the sentence, "online only", she had asked the clerk where their baby section was. lol. Poor Gretchen....we then went into Pottery Barn Kids and looked at the bedding sets. I just didn't see anything that I loved enough to want...well, they did have this cute lamb mobile, haha. It was just nice to have gotten my walking for the day in while in good company. Then was my search for maternity shirts. We ended up at Target and after 20 mins. of nothing catching my eye, I bought the same shirt I had bought a few days ago, but in blue. lol. I love how pregnancy makes me even more indecisive than usual. O, and more clumsy. I ended up knocking a few books over in Papyrus over as well. Wood floors make too much noise, lol. Good thing the clerk was nice and funny. And, I loved Gretchen's response: "Just bill her Husband. O, and we were never here." lol.
So, I guess I am happy, I just feel bitter-sweet. I don't feel exuberant, just dry. In the back of my mind, I knew it was because I'd be passing my baby girl's due date by. I miss her just talking about it. I wonder how Husband and I will talk to Eliza about her big sister and why she couldn't be here. I know it will be difficult but I don't want her to be wiped out of memory just because we were blessed with another miracle.
On another note...I love how Lady Gaga's new single Born This Way came out on the day that President Mubarak of Egypt finally resigned from office. Today history was made, to me, it's even greater that this song came out as well. Freedom rings!
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