The month of February, happy and sad?

February seems to hold a lot of meaning for me since last year. I was married on the 27th and was supposed to be due to deliver my 1st dear baby girl on (EDD) the 25th. It seems so surreal that while I should be so excited and happy for not only my healthy pregnancy that's due in June, but also for my 1 year anniversary to the love of my life and Father to my babies. We buried Abigail in August and we visit her grave sometimes. She's buried on a hill in a Catholic cemetery that is specifically used for the unborn who were lost in utero. On the top of the hill, there's a beautiful alabaster stone statue of the Holy Family. At the time, I remember saying to myself how unfair it was that the statue depicts a complete family and my Husband and I had to leave the burial childless and incomplete. I know better now, but it was hard and bitter and I was ashamed that I had felt that way. Now I'm pregnant with Eliza and I am so excited to soon meet my little shaker and mover. She seems to have found a more comfortable place to rest right beneath my belly button. At least my bladder gets a small break from her dance moves.

I was with my friend Gretchen yesterday: we had gone to the mall and were shopping. We spent  time together because it was her birthday and we went into all of the expensive baby boutiques that sell all of the overly priced baby clothes that I love. I didn't end up buying anything, but rather walked around kind of there but not really. We even went into Barney's and I was telling Gretchen about how I had seen that Barney's sold Baby Juicy Couture, but before I could finish the sentence, "online only", she had asked the clerk where their baby section was. lol. Poor Gretchen....we then went into Pottery Barn Kids and looked at the bedding sets. I just didn't see anything that I loved enough to want...well, they did have this cute lamb mobile, haha. It was just nice to have gotten my walking for the day in while in good company. Then was my search for maternity shirts. We ended up at Target and after 20 mins. of nothing catching my eye, I bought the same shirt I had bought a few days ago, but in blue. lol. I love how pregnancy makes me even more indecisive than usual. O, and more clumsy. I ended up knocking a few books over in Papyrus over as well. Wood floors make too much noise, lol. Good thing the clerk was nice and funny. And, I loved Gretchen's response: "Just bill her Husband. O, and we were never here." lol.

So, I guess I am happy, I just feel bitter-sweet. I don't feel exuberant, just dry. In the back of my mind, I knew it was because I'd be passing my baby girl's due date by. I miss her just talking about it. I wonder how Husband and I will talk to Eliza about her big sister and why she couldn't be here. I know it will be difficult but I don't want her to be wiped out of memory just because we were blessed with another miracle.

On another note...I love how Lady Gaga's new single Born This Way came out on the day that President Mubarak of Egypt finally resigned from office. Today history was made, to me, it's even greater that this song came out as well. Freedom rings!

The flu sucks and pregnancy enhances it!

Good day everyone! The last 2 days have been torturous. I think I have the flu, but never can tell anymore what anything is! I was starting to feel so much better last night, and then BAM, in the middle of the night I kept waking up with diarrhea. Then, this morning I was trying to wake my Husband up and had to run to the bathroom to vomit. At least I can't complain about being left alone to just sleep. :) I feel bad for my Husband because, of course, this came at the worst time. Super bowl Sunday is THIS Sunday and he wanted to have people over. Now, normally, not an issue. However, we still have boxes EVERYWHERE!!!! lol. It's just a pain in my arse...I hate moving, but I hate unpacking more.

Anyway, so, that's my small update. Hubby and I go on the search for our doula soon and can't wait to start. Hopefully the flu bug will go away and give me some sleep at night so I can function during the day like a normal person...o wait, that's right...I'm pregnant! There really is no relief! lol. I digress. Well, until next time..

So, half-way there!

It's been a crazy 20 weeks and I can't believe I'm here already! I thought pregnancy would go by much slower than this! lolz. So, in honor of this huge mile-stone, I'm going to make a list of my likes and dislikes about being pregnant:

LIKES up to now:

*Feeling my little girl move and kick
*Getting to eat pretty much whenever I want
*Planning the nursery
*Picking out gear and baby stuff
*Going to my first child birth class (tonight!)
*Sharing the joy with my family
*Calling my Husband "Daddy" and he loves it!
*Getting to get out of hard labor (until baby comes, lol)
*Telling myself this is real and this one is actually going to be for keeps
*The huge smile I find on my face when I think about my little girl


DISLIKES up to now:
*Still getting bad morning sickness
*Tired ALL the time
*Pain in my vajayjay from my pelvis expanding
*My first EVER hemorrhoid (yikes!)
*My incredible sense of smell, ugh...
*Not being able to share in knowing baby is a she with my Husband
*That I can't sleep in when I would like to sleep ALL day!
*Losing weight instead of gaining (Dr. lectured me but said baby girl is healthy)
*Having intense nightmares about the loss of my little girl
*Not being able to clean the cat box and hating that Hubby slacks on it!
*Not being able to socially drink with friends or go dancing every once in a while (but it's so worth it!)

These are just a few things on lists of many for positive and negative things. I can't wait for the next 20 weeks to pass and have my little Eliza cooing up at me in my arms. I'm in bliss. :)