8 Weeks

My most recent post on my June 2011 board:

Last pregnancy, I was pregnant for 11 weeks. I conceived in June and was due in February 2011...a few days shy of my 1st wedding anniversary. However, when I went in for my initial OB and the Dr. couldn't find a HB and saw that baby stopped growing at 10 weeks, I was devastated. My D&C to remove my "products of conception", including baby was Aug. 5th. It was the worst day of my life and even woke up from anesthesia bawling and worrying the nurses to no end. It took a little over a month for AF to show and I got pregnant with the LO I am carrying now on that cycle. Tomorrow I will be 8w2d and it makes me nervous that I'm so close to the time that I had my missed miscarriage...when my baby's heart stopped beating. I'm not trying to be a downer, it's just difficult that the major milestone I am most looking forward to is the one where I am past where Abby died and ceased to thrive. I ordered a doppler and u/s gel so I can have peace of mind. I try to submerse myself in other things rather than think about pregnancy (which is hard when your always nauseous or tired and can't seem to choke down the things that are most healthy for you and baby). My DH thinks I'm obsessed and we haven't told the family yet. I'm so scared and excited at the same time...it's such a bizarre feeling.

On the positive side, my DH is having sympathy symptoms and my symptoms are growing. My bbs decided they wanted to grow a cup size (o my I'm a D!) and are so tender and sore just looking at them. My whole body feels like I ran a marathon or at least was trampled by someone running one...and food aversion! Get outta here! lol. I have found sanctuary in my spare bedroom (soon to be nursery) because it has the best view of our garden and we have the loveliest wild birds that sing and flit about. We already have our bassinet and it comforts me looking at it thinking about that this is really happening. It's hard for me to read when my friends from the TTC board who were also pregnant experienced a m/c and are no longer in the running for a June baby. It's a subtle reminder that joy can be fleeting and I feel so robbed when the innocence and joy of pregnancy are taken away.

Anyway, as I go into this week with my worries, I also want to state that I have hope. Or, realistic hope if that sounds better. I will take joy in rubbing my tummy as much and as often as I want. I will give into naps when they knocking on my door so loudly I can't stand it anymore. I will not feel ashamed for picking out names. I will hold my DH even tighter than usual and pray harder than normal. I am grateful for being given a third chance at mommyhood and will revel in the realities I face. I will feel blessed and privileged for the honor of pregnancy. And well, here we go week 8, watch out.

April